


Dating for Dumbass Lusii

by cthchewy (pyrrhic_victoly)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Drug Use, Failboats, It's Hard and Nobody Understands, Lusii, Matchmaking, Other, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, parenthood is hard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-07
Updated: 2014-07-14
Packaged: 2018-02-03 17:58:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1753607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyrrhic_victoly/pseuds/cthchewy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In Which a Group of Lusii Lament the Near-Adulthood of Their Wigglers and, in a Misguided Attempt to Cope with the Situation, a Crustacean Lusus Deems Himself an Expert on Romance and Embarks on a Long and Foolhardy Quest to Help His Fellow Lusii Find Fulfilling Relationships; Contains Many Scenes of Wigglers Expressing Disgust When Confronted with the Possibility of Their Custodians Pailing, a Reversal of Accepted Societal Roles Wherein a Brown-blooded Psychic Acts as Sidekick to a Lusus Instead of Imposing His Will Upon the Lusus as is Considered Proper, Mentions of Deceased Lusii, and a General Lack of Regard for the Hemospectrum.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> kink meme prompt: http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/39716.html?thread=45620004

Being a lusus is hard. It's hard and nobody understands.

Karkat used to be the cutest grub. You love him so much! From the moment you first scented him, you knew that he was special. _My grub. Mine._ You remember all his firsts with startling clarity: his first steps out of the brooding caverns, his first screech at the carpenter drone as he fearlessly dictated how he wanted the hive built, his first word ("FFFFF, FFF! FF-FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK!"), his first set of grub-booties… You flip through an album of his grub pictures and coo in lamentation for the bond you once had. He still drew pictures of you up until he was six sweeps old! How, you wonder, has your precious grubling come to be such a surly teenager?

You feel unneeded. Karkat calls you a dumbass and accuses you of smothering him. And he's right in some ways. He's become a very independent young troll - you're so proud of him! He's been taking care of himself and his friends for sweeps now, especially since you… Well, you died in an explosion. But then you resurrected! You were a game sprite for a while, and though he might try to deny it, Karkat most definitely cried and hugged you when you came back. But then you died again… But the game's over now and you've resurrected once more! Your powers of fatherly love truly transcend universes!

 _Pitiable little wiggler!_ , because he will always be your little wiggler, _Sweet grubling, Daddy's here now!_ You're here now, in your new hive in a new universe, and Karkat is still a minor, so by Jesus fucking Sufferer you are going to do your dadly duties!

"KRRREEEEEEE!!"

"WHAT THE FUCK NOW, DAD?"

"SKREEEEE! KRRREEET!"

"FUCK NO I DON'T WANT TO STRIFE!"

"SK-KREEE?! K'HR-K'HT!"

"OH MY GOG I'M JUST GOING OVER TO SOLLUX'S HIVE, GET OFF MY BACK."

"Khhhhht," you grumble. Karkat slams the door and leaves you slumped on the couch like a washed-up deadbeat stay-at-home dad with nothing to do all day now that the kids are gone. ...Okay, that is pretty much exactly what you are. All you ever do is watch romcoms, anyway. You watch romcoms with Karkat when he's home, and you watch romcoms alone when he's not. Sometimes you go out and catch something for dinner. Then you come home and watch more romcoms.

You consider making a trip next door to socialize with your new neighbor, Mr. Crocker-Egbert. (Or, as you like to think of him in your head, Cakedad.) Perhaps he will teach you a new recipe, and perhaps, for once in your life, it will not result in you burning down the nutrition block.

You're hunched over feeling sorry for yourself when the hive door opens just a crack and Karkat sticks his head back in. You immediately look up to regard him, hoping for a strife just like old times! The hope, you're sure, is shining in your eyes! _I love you, son! Love you love you love you!_ You lift your claws up, inviting him to aggress.

"DAD," he says, sighing and shaking his head, "YOU REALLY NEED A HOBBY. OR A DATE."

\---

Karkat thinks you need a hobby; you agree with him. This world isn't like Alternia, where you fought daily to defend your hive against ravenous beasts, the undead, and other trolls and their lusii. As a result, you've let yourself go. You haven't gone out hunting as much, you've discovered the joy of cake… You realize, with a bit of horror, that you're getting a _paunch_

 _Crabdad_ , you tell yourself, _you're not getting any younger. Maybe now's the time to settle down with a nice matesprit._ Lusii don't normally refer to their relationships in terms of quadrants, but you've watched too many troll romance movies not to.

And then it dawns on you that you're pretty much a romance expert. A plan starts to form… 

The plan solidifies when Seahorsedad drops by.

Seahorsedad's wiggler is a highblood, a seadweller prince, and if this were Alternia there would be no way you'd let those genocidal fish fucks into your hive. Karkat vouches for him, though, and drags his friend along into his respiteblock. Still, you eavesdrop a little and overhear the Ampora wiggler blubbering about his quadrants to Karkat, and you think, well, if the wigglers all come to your son for advice, maybe you can do the same for the custodians?

You take a tray of chilled roe cubes outside to share with Seahorsedad because you're a good host like that. 

"Riiiiii," he says. "Eeehrrriiiiiiinnn."

Yeah, you agree. They really do grow up so fast. The two of you stuff yourselves with roe cubes and wallow over your teenage-wiggler woes.

It comes out in conversation that Seahorsedad is single and lonely. You ask if he's got his eye on anyone, or if there's a certain type he's attracted to. _C'mon_ , you say, _you can trust ol' Crabdad. Crabdad knows all about romance._

_Then why are you single?_ , he asks.

_Same reason as you - I was focused on raising my wiggler._

But now that they're almost grown up, isn't it time the two of you, and maybe the rest of the lusii, started looking? You tell Seahorsedad that you're going to set him up. Him and all the rest of the Sgrub lusii.

He tells you he's flushed for Tinkerbull.


	2. Chapter 2

adiosToreador [AT] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] at 9:52

AT: hELLO, eRIDAN,,,  
CA: hey tavv surprised to see you trollin me  
AT: yES, aBOUT THAT, i KNOW WE DON'T TALK ALL THAT MUCH  
AT: bUT i HAVE, a THING THAT i WANTED TO ASK YOU  
AT: iT'S ABOUT, uH, yOUR LUSUS  
CA: you knoww wwhere hes been goin lately  
CA: ivve been meanin to ask you but i thought it could wwait  
AT: tHAT CERTAINLY IS, a THING THAT i KNOW  
AT: yOUR LUSUS HAS MOSTLY BEEN VISITING MY HIVE, i THINK, bECAUSE i SEE HIM A LOT  
CA: wwell wwhats he doin there  
AT: hE, uH, hAS BEEN THROWING DOWN SOME SLAM POETRY,,,  
AT: wHICH IS ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD,,,  
CA: just spit it out tavv  
AT: bASICALLY HE HAS BEEN SERENADING, mY LUSUS,  
AT: bY WHICH i MEAN HE WANTS TO DATE tINKERBULL  
AT: aRE YOU, oKAY WITH THAT  
CA: ...  
CA: oh my cod

\---

Since you are an Alternian Wildlife Master, it's not out of the norm for other lusii to come say hi. All are welcome at your hive as long as they don't try to eat Tinkerbull - that is a thing that is very important. As a result of your psychic abilities and the resulting visits, Tinkerbull has become probably the most popular lusus known to troll-kind. He is, in Dave's human terms, "the sassy fucking class prez prom queen of monster academy don't fuck with this bitch". (You told Dave that Tinkerbull is male and should therefore be prom king, but he said it doesn't work that way.)

However, things have been very strange recently. It began when you noticed Seahorsedad was hanging around a lot. Tinkerbull was getting a bit uneasy around him, but he wouldn't tell you why when you asked. You decided not to pry because it's just rude to dig into someone's brain when they've told you not to. You don't like forcing beasts as intelligent as lusii to do your bidding when you commune with them; asking usually works just fine.

Then one night you were playing Fiduspawn with Tinkerbull and someone knocked on the hive door. "I'm, uh, going to see who it is," you said to Tinkerbull. He nodded and flew behind you. 

It was Seahorsedad. He asked if he could speak to Tinkerbull alone.

"Uh," you said.

 _Slam the door in his face!_ Tinkerbull said. So that is what you did. (Sorry, Seahorsedad.)

It turns out that earlier that night, while you were out, Seahorsedad had already cornered Tinkerbull and started slamming wicked love poems at him. And later, as you and Tinkerbull were trying to go to sleep, Seahorsedad flew right up to your window and rapped at him some more.

You trolled Eridan and got the impression that he was freaked out by this as well, so tonight you went out to the yard and communed with Seahorsedad and politely asked for him to stop whatever strange courtship ritual that was supposed to be. You said, in no uncertain terms, that Tinkerbull was not playing hard to get. No, really, he's not interested.

You were not expecting for Crabdad to burst out of the bushes and start yelling.

Your current predicament is this: Seahorsedad is sulking by the bushes outside while Crabdad has bullied his way into your hive and is loudly insisting that Seahorsedad would be perfect for Tinkerbull.

Crabdad is a lot like Karkat… Actually it's probably the other way around. Most trolls share more personality traits with their lusus than they realize. Tinkerbull is unusually patient and good-natured, but can be very stubborn about certain things, romance being one of them. Crabdad means well, but is extremely pushy when he gets revved up. He has never been this revved up on his previous visits and you are quickly discovering that this pushiness, when paired with Tinkerbull's stubbornness, is… not a good combination.

"SKRAAAARKT!" Crabdad waves his claw around trying to get Tinkerbull's attention. 

Tinkerbull is hovering at your shoulder with his butt to Crabdad. "Vroooo," he says, gesturing to his ass.

"Uh, wow, that was really rude. Sorry, Crabdad."

"SKREEEE! K'HHHHRRR!"

"You are probably right about that… I, uh, also agree that Seahorsedad's poems were the illest of ill, and they will, maybe, make some lusus really happy, someday. But today, is not that day. And Tinkerbull, is not that lusus."

"...Skskskt," Crabdad says. He drops his claw dejectedly.

You feel really bad about popping his bubble, so you reach up to pat his head in what you hope is a comforting manner.

\---

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling adiosToreador [AT] at 12:18

CA: tavv  
CA: is my dumbass lusus ovver there  
CA: tell him to come pick me up  
CA: he dropped me off at kars place an im still here  
CA: better yet tell him to nevver vvisit your hivve again  
CA: dad mackin on your dad is creepin me out so bad you dont evven knoww  
CA: i mean dont get me wwrong i wwant him to be happy  
CA: but howw wwould they evven do it  
CA: theyre nowwhere near the same size  
CA: tavv are you there  
AT: sORRY, i WAS DISTRACTED  
AT: yEAH, i TOLD YOUR DAD TO PICK YOU UP  
AT: aS FOR THE OTHER THING, i DON'T THINK YOU HAVE TO WORRY  
AT: tHINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT, bETWEEN THEM  
CA: wwell thank jegus for that  
CA: begs the question though wwhys he still goin to your place  
AT: ,,,  
CA: aww cmon tavv dont do this to me  
AT: i THINK i HAVE BEEN, rECRUITED, iS PROBABLY THE RIGHT WORD  
AT: tO HELP YOUR DAD FIND SOMEONE TO DATE  
CA: ...  
CA: wweh


	3. Chapter 3

So your first attempt at matchmaking was a failure. Well, the path to true love has never been easy… In the romcoms it usually takes at least three tries before the protagonists get together. You briefly entertain thoughts of pushing Seahorsedad to pursue Tinkerbull as a kismesis instead, and if that doesn't work, you or someone else could step in to auspisticize…

"Uh, please don't… Tinkerbull, is not interested in a romance, with either of you."

True, you're not interested in Tinkerbull anyway. But wow, Tinkerbull's wiggler is so nice it nearly slays you. He hasn't yelled at you even once; you can't recall him ever raising his voice at anyone, actually. It's also easy for you to talk to him because he can read your thoughts, so there's none of the usual difficulties associated with communication with any troll other than your son. You wonder why you didn't encourage Karkat to be better friends with Nitram-wiggler. Oh wait. That might have been because he's cullbait.

"While that is, a thing that is true, or, uh, was true, I would appreciate if you would refrain from thinking of me like that, because I have self-esteem now, and I am standing up for myself when I say that the humans are right, that kindness is not a weakness."

Tinkerbull's eyes widen and fill with tears. "Vroooo!" _I'm so proud of you, Tavros!_ He flutters about his wiggler and nuzzles him all over his face. Nitram nuzzles back and it is. So cute. Why. Why does your own little grub never hug you like that anymore?

"Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to, uh, flaunt my relationship with my lusus like that."

It's okay, Nitram-wiggler. A good troll-lusus relationship always makes your blood-pusher flutter.

"In that case, thank you."

Right, right. No big deal. You'll just have to hug-ambush Karkat when you get back to your hive. Nitram giggles at the thought. You get the vague sense that he really really wants you to hug-embarrass Karkat…

"As revenge, yes. Uh, friendly revenge, for when he made fun of me, for playing games for girls."

Tinkerbull giggles too, as evilly as a tiny fairy bull can. Since they are your new allies on your RomantiQuest, it wouldn't be so bad to give them what they want, would it? Especially if it's also what you want. Yes! Tonight will see many hugs for Crabdad! And also cuddles if you can pin Karkat in the ensuing strife.

"Hehehe… Excellent…" Tavros steeples his hands as he plots and, for once, you think he might have what it takes to be a properly ruthless troll. You ruffle his hair with your claw.

Good wiggler. Best sidekick.

\---

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling adiosToreador [AT] at 3:35

CG: TAVROS, YOU ARE A GIGANTIC WASTE CHUTE. FIFTY GREEN SUNS GOING SUPERNOVA ALL AT ONCE ARE NOT ENOUGH OF A CATASTROPHE TO EXPRESS THE KIND OF EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA THAT YOU ARE. WHAT KIND OF 'FRIEND' WOULD DO THAT TO HIS 'FRIEND'? FUCK, DID SPIDER BITCH MIND-CONTROL YOU INTO THIS OR WERE YOU ALWAYS SUCH AN AWFUL FUCKING TROLL DEEP INSIDE, HIDING YOUR EXTREME PERVERSIONS BEHIND A FACADE OF HELPLESSNESS LIKE A HUNGRY LUREBEAST. AND ALL THIS TIME I NEVER KNEW, SHAME ON ME. OH BOO FUCKING HOO I'M TAVROS NITRAM AND I'M SOOOO NICE. UNSUSPECTING TROLLS COME BY AND THEN YOU RISE UP OUT OF THE DEPTHS TO BITE THEIR FUCKING HEADS OFF, YOU SICK FUCK.  
CG: NOW GET THE HELL ONLINE SO I CAN SPOONFEED MY RAGE DIRECTLY INTO YOUR AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS.  
AT: wOW, wHAT BROUGHT THIS ON  
CG: DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME. I KNOW YOU WERE BEHIND THIS.   
AT: i'M SURE i HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU MEAN,,, i HAVEN'T BEEN UP TO ANYTHING LATELY, mUCH LESS, aNYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH YOU  
CG: HA FUCKING HA. THERE'S NO WAY MY IDIOT LUSUS COULD HAVE COME UP WITH THIS BY HIMSELF. I KNOW HE WAS AT YOUR HIVE.  
AT: hE SAID YOU TOLD HIM TO GET A HOBBY, aND HE WANTED TO BECOME A MATCHMAKER, fOR LUSII  
AT: i WAS JUST HELPING HIM GET IN TOUCH WITH THE OTHER LUSII, wHO MIGHT WANT TO ENGAGE HIS SERVICES  
CG: ...OKAY, THAT MAKES SENSE.  
CG: IGNORE ALL THAT STUFF I SAID BEFORE. I HAD TO ENDURE LIKE FOUR FUCKING HOURS OF NONSTOP HUGGING FROM MY LUSUS. IS IT ANY WONDER I DID A FANCY FUCKING PIROUETTE OFF THE GODDAMN HANDLE? NOT THAT IT WAS YOUR FAULT.  
CG: FUCK, I'M SUCH AN ASSHOLE. YOU WERE HELPING MY DAD AND I WENT OFF ON YOU, GOD, PAST ME IS THE BIGGEST JERK.   
AT: wERE THEY AT LEAST, gOOD HUGS   
AT: }>:)  
AT: }> :)  
AT: }>:)  
CG: OH, YOU BASTARD. IT IS ON. IT IS ON LIKE HUMAN DONKEY KONG.


	4. Chapter 4

Karkat grows extra-wary of you for the next few nights. That's okay because you and Nitram-wiggler have plans, big plans! Tonight's big plan is… a social mixer!

It occurred to you just a while ago that you're not so close to the other lusii as to know their romantic preferences. In some cases you don't even know much about them besides the basics. You know Seahorsedad and Tinkerbull pretty well now, and sometimes you chat with Pounce de Leon when you happen to meet her on a hunting trip. You only get along with the red half of Biclopsdad. Aurthour finds you crass and you find him uptight. It's inconvenient to meet with those who live in the sea; also you avoid going down there for obvious, life-preserving reasons.

Nitram has assured you that Spidermom and Gl'bgolyb are no longer as large and menacing as they once were, thanks to the Jade human's space powers. They're probably still more trouble than they're worth, but you allow them to come to the event for the sake of your matchmaking integrity. You also find them platonically pitiful in that you think it must have been a lonely existence for them to be so feared in the past, their hunger so out of control that they wound up eating all potential friends and suitors and whatnot. 

With such legendary appetites in attendance, you've made sure to supply the gathering with extra cake. The event will feature catering by Cakedad. He agreed to help out in exchange for borrowing a wrench for hive repairs - that is, your claw. Never let it be said that Crabdad is not a helpful neighbor! But yes, there will be much in the way of baked goods. Nitram has also promised to bring his friend's "special brownies". You have no idea what makes them special, but you look forward to finding out.

You have high hopes for this party, high hopes indeed! It's with a bit of extra pep in your step that you make your way down to the meeting spot. The agreed-upon location is the beach below the cliffs of Tinkerbull's hive; you think this is an auspicious choice that represents a meeting of land and sea. It's fucking romantic, is what it is.

When you arrive, you see that a long table has been set up for the food. Nitram-wiggler and a friend of his, a female troll with curling horns and fairy wings, are placing large seating cushions on the sand. Tinkerbull is hovering nearby, directing them on the placement from above.

"Hi, Karkat's dad!" She waves to you. Wow, friendly. A bit overly so, but not in the way that suggests she'd like to boil you into seafood stew, so you are okay with that.

You screech out a greeting and proceed to unload your delicious captchalogued haul onto the table. You proudly place Nanna Egbert/Poppop Crocker's Famous Lasagna (Famous in three universes! That is very famous!) as the centerpiece surrounded by a rainbow ring of cakes and cookies. Taking a step back to survey your handiwork, you notice that, in addition to your contributions, there is also a salad bowl and a plate of sandwiches provided by Nitram-wiggler and friend. But there are no signs of the promised brownies, how strange.

"They are for emergency purposes only," Nitram says. He's finished arranging the cushions and has come to observe the bounty. You mean to ask him what he means by that, but you're temporarily distracted by his telepathic query as to which baked good you would recommend. You are partial to the red velvet cupcakes. Nitram takes your suggestion and begins to nibble on one.

The disturbingly chipper troll - Megido, your gamesprite memories inform you - pops up from behind him. She wiggles in excitement upon seeing the feast and helps herself to a cookie. "What's for emergencies?" she asks around a mouthful.

"The, uh, brownies I brought. They're Gamzee's," he tells her.

"Ooooh, I see! I think they'll come in handy!"

You're not sure you understand.

You're not given a chance to inquire, however, as it is then that the first of the guests arrive. Pounce de Leon comes bounding down the cliff in her usual exuberant manner with Aurthour galloping not far behind her. Turning toward the waves, you spot Seahorsedad flying over from his oceanbound hive. He flies swiftly and arrives just after Aurthour has taken a seat. 

Pounce, meanwhile, is busy being fussed over by Megido-wiggler, who coos at her. "Aww, you're just as cute as Nepeta said you'd be! My mom was cute too. I bet you would have been great friends.''

You wonder why you have no recollection of ever meeting her lusus, not even in the game. Clearly Megido-wiggler was part of the game! "Kreee?" you ask.

"I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with, uh, that line of questioning."

"Hmm?" She looks up at the two of you brightly, expectantly.

Nitram fidgets and you boff him in the shoulder do get him to stop dilly-dallying and just translate. "He, uh, Crabdad was wondering why you spoke about your lusus, in the past tense."

"Oh, is that all?" Megido's impossibly bright eyes glimmer as she meets yours. "My mom died horribly in a cycle of revenge instigated way before the game started! But it's okay, I threw her a really nice corpse party!"

Your throat begins to close up and you feel tears welling up at the corners of your eyes. You drop to your knees in front of Megido-wiggler, ignoring Pounce who yowled when you accidentally slammed into her tail. Pounce jumps away to tend to her injured extremity but you, Crabdad, you are focused on the tragedy before you. You shed a tear for the orphaned wiggler and gather her in your arms.

You've always felt bad for orphaned wigglers; many lusii do. There just wasn't anything you could do for them back on Alternia, and there still isn't much to be done now. You stroke her hair and coo at her. Strangely, Megido-wiggler giggles.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"Khrrrr, khrrrrr."

"Uh, he is, trying to comfort you. Because you should feel sad about your lusus passing, and you must miss her a lot."

"Wow, that's really sweet, Crabdad! Thank you!"

"I would also recommend that you let him hug it out. If you struggle, he will cuddle you, for maybe up to four hours. Crabdad is very… persistent."

_Which is a good thing_ , Nitram sends to you psychically. _Because romance masters should be persistent, to encourage others to keep looking for the, uh, right partner._ Yes, that's very true. Your sidekick knows how to placate you. You've trained him very well.

"Okay!" Megido doesn't struggle. She even hugs you back and mimics your soothing strokes. She is a very smart wiggler, unlike Karkat (and you say this with the utmost affection). Nitram psychically agrees; you can see him mentally patting himself on the back for a job well done.

You let up after a minute or so and see that, while you were preoccupied, more guests have arrived. Pounce is still fairly close, but she has been joined by Spidermom. Spidermom is small! You're very surprised to see this even though you were told. She is only slightly larger than Pounce; the two are engaged in a riveting conversation about this very subject.

_It's good this way! I used to be so depressed when I was fat… Hell, back then I was soooooooo morbidly obese I couldn't fit through the door to my own hive, you know? I would never have been able to go out to parties like this._

_Oh, you poor dear_ , Pounce exclaims. _Not being able to hunt anymore?_

_My wiggler hunted for me, can you believe that? Simply traaaaaaaagic._

_Yes, hunting your own food is the only way to go!_

_Leap on them from behind…_

_Tear out their throat, rawr!_

_Suck out the blooooooood~_

_And paint walls with it!_

Oh ho! Love is in the air! You leave the ladies to their chat.

Just about everyone is here now. Biclopsdad is having simultaneous conversations with Seahorsedad and Dragonmom. Aurthour is… okay, that is something you will never unsee. Aurthour is milking himself into a teacup and you need to scrub your eyes out with sand.

Oh god… Oh god! He's offering the teacup to Tinkerbull, what sort of depraved flirtation is this?! This was never covered in your romcom education! You can't tell from this far away, but you think Tinkerbull is very disturbed by this development as well.

Suddenly, you hear shrieks and splashes coming from the sea. Everyone turns to regard the source of the commotion.

"Hi everyone! This is so exciting!"

It's Peixes, rising from the waves and shouting her greetings with a lot of arm-flailing and glubbing. She seems like a lovely if over-excitable young troll. (And this is coming from you, whose wiggler has no concept of keeping a lid on it, so that is saying something.)

Peixes is here, but where is Gl'bgolyb? Do you even _want_ to see Gl'bgolyb? Just the name is enough to trigger your aggress or abscond response. Although aggrievances never did a lusus any good when it came to battles against the Emissary to the Horrorterrors… 

You knew a whale lusus once. He flew among the clouds over the sea, but sometimes he'd roll inland on rainy days. Biggest fucker you'd ever seen. Baddest fucker, too. They say Gl'bgolyb swallowed him whole.

The young princess reaches down into the water and dramatically presents you all with… a fishbowl!

"Ta da! Mako wave, everyone, Glubby is here!"

Gl'bgolyb sits in a fishbowl, in about a gallon of water. There is colored gravel at the bottom of the bowl, and a decorative castle hideout. The Emissary to the Horrorterrors crawls out of her hideout to float in the center of the bowl. She wiggles her tentacles and says:

"glub"

"It's betta this wave," Peixes says, addressing all your shocked faces. "Glubby used to have to be so careful to keep her voice down. Now she can scream and shout and sing as loud as she wants and no one gets hurt!"


	5. Chapter 5

Being a psychic lowblood is hard. It's hard and nobody understands. It's also unfair that having psychic powers makes you  _even more susceptible to psychic attacks_ , like why is that a thing? If the Vast Glub were ever to be released, you would be the first to perish. You would keel over before all the rustbloods, before Gl'bgolyb even finished saying "gl--".  
  
You guess it's because your powers work by opening up metaphysical lines of communication. You can speak with beasts because you are literally open-minded to what they are saying. Of course, once you're in you can grab the reins, so to speak. You can "feel out" trolls and other highly intelligent species such as humans, maybe prod at them a bit, but they are not open-minded enough to speak with you. Unless they have psychic or psionic abilities as well, chances are they won't even feel your mental knocking. Technically, you think you could commune with - but not control - other psychic lowbloods, but you have no friends that fit the criteria and so have never tested this out. Highblood psychics, however, work by shoving their mental projections at others, like swinging a weapon around. And since you are so literally open-minded, they can raze your mindscape in no time.  
  
In short, your psychic defense sucks shame globes. Now throw in a bunch of lusii, including mini-Gl'bgolyb, who all won't shut up. Gl'bgolyb's mini-glubs are rattling at your thinkpan and she just won't. Shut. Up.  
  
You are Tavros Nitram, and you are currently having the beginnings of a psychic headache. It starts with an itch right behind your eyeballs, then expands to an itch all over the squishy contents of your pan. This is very annoying because you can't scratch your own brain. Aradia and Sollux get to give each other psionic scratches to relieve  _their_  headaches, but your powers are different and they would end up frying you and that is so unfair.  
  
Vriska could do it for you, but she's a huge bitch. She wouldn't know the difference between a friendly scratch and full-out mind control, anyway. (You are still bitter about all the scratches you gave her that were never returned or were returned with kicks "to make you stronger".) Gamzee is your bro, but getting a psychic scratch with chucklevoodoos is like asking someone to get that spot on your back that you can't reach and having them come at you with knives and acid. Again: so unfair. You sullenly savage your third cupcake and resign yourself to itchy brainmeats for the rest of the night.  
  
"Hey, Aradia, I think I need to go for a walk."  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"Um, Gl'bgolyb, is what's wrong. Don't tell Feferi I said that."  
  
"Well, okay," she says as you start off down the beach, "I hope you feel better."  
  
You decaptchalogue half your brownies and give them to her. One never knows when lusus hunting instincts will kick in, after all. Not that Tinkerbull has ever had much in the way of hunting instincts, but you've seen more than your fair share of other lusii chasing down food for their wigglers or themselves. You're not stupid enough to think so many lusii can congregate without at least one of them going berserk.  
  
You sigh and trudge off further down the beach. Before you know it, you're halfway to Gamzee's hive. The cliffs are a lot lower here, and they continue to taper down into gentle swelling hillsides. You stop yourself from going any further because you don't feel up to seeing Gamzee at the moment. Instead, you find a flat boulder to sit on and think about what you're going to say to him the next time you chat.  
  
Truth is, when Crabdad popped up with his matchmaking plan, you made it look like you were roped into his schemes against your will when you're actually the evil mastermind of this game. Um, mostly. Kind of… Okay, not really. It's more like Crabdad has his goals and you have your (secret) goals in which pissing off Karkat is just incidental, and you have joined forces to wreak havoc upon the land.  
  
The (secret) goal is actually to reunite Gamzee with Seagoatdad. Yes, it's true, you are a huge sap. Because really, even though all the Lost Weeaboos had fun being in Pupa Pan's gang, all they truly wanted was lusii to call their own. The part where they ask Wendee to be their lusus always makes you cry. Just thinking about it is making you sad! You give Tinkerbull a mental hug, not even minding that it makes your think pan itch again, because Tinkerbull is the best lusus and he deserves all the hugs. (Crabdad is a good lusus too. Karkat is a prick not to appreciate him more. You make a note to arrange more hug-bombs with Crabdad as payment for your services.)  
  
But anyway. Here you are, looking to the sea. Seagoatdad is nowhere to be seen. You extend your powers a bit, but can't sense anything that could be him. It sucks that you spent quite a few nights helping Crabdad arrange this gathering, spreading word to all the seadwelling lusii that you came across in the hopes that it would reach Seagoatdad, and… he's not here. He's just… not here. This hollow feeling of disappointment is, you think, exactly how Gamzee feels every time he zones out in front of his hive waiting for the lusus who all but abandoned him.  
  
Seagoatdad runs away from his problems. He has an avoidant personality, which, well, Gamzee has too. When they mess up, they pretend it isn't a thing. The problems build and stack; they run farther and farther away. So maybe Seagoatdad messed up when Gamzee was a wiggler, but all lusii are guaranteed to do something wrong when they're first figuring out this custodianship thing. Instead of fixing it, he ran away, which created more problems that he also ran away from until eventually he was away from his hive more often than not. And in the process, he taught Gamzee that it was okay to just pretend he didn't have any problems like his rage issues and to just keep pretending and pretending until they resulted in a downward spiral of murder and insanity.  
  
As near as you can tell, Gamzee was already stressed out and nearing the breaking point when Dave sent him a music video (no one will tell you what music video this was; no one speaks of the music video at all) that pushed him over the edge. Then he finally went looking for you because you were always not-quite-pale with him and you'd told him he could come to you for emergency feelings jams if he needed to, like in case he was ever headed toward one of those highblood rages that he assured you were, and you quote, "not even a thing with me bro, c'mon look at me being the chillest motherfucker all up in this bitch".   
  
Well, they turned out to really be a thing. And you were dead. He, uh, apparently didn't take that part very well either. You're still not clear on what went down, but you've pieced together enough to know that it was really bad and that he was making out with your corpse trying to bring you back. (Oh god that's weird.) Somewhere along the line, Serket mind control was also involved, and if you know anything, it's that Serket mind control is a bag of human bulges.  
  
So, you kind of feel responsible for Gamzee? You just really want him to be happy and not pretend-happy. There's not much you can do for him on the pile-front because Karkat is a better moirail than you would have been. Talking to lusii is your  _thing_ , though, so that is what you do.  
  
You steel yourself for another go. This time you push your scan farther and, just when the prickles start turning into pain, you make out Seagoatdad's shape. He's coming this way… He's coming this way!  
  
Better late than never, right? You follow his progress without letting him know you're in his head. When he gets close enough, you begin to get some impressions of his thoughts: guilt, curiosity, excitement, fear. He slows down as he approaches the shore. He keeps himself hidden under the waves, but he's there, close enough to observe the others.  
  
He stops.  
  
 _...no...don't belong...wiggler will never forgive me..._  
  
And he turns around.  
  
 _...sorry...so sorry...not brave enough..._  
  
Slides back to the safety of the ocean…  
  
"No way, human Jose!"  
  
You push yourself off the rock and run back toward the gathering as fast as you can. Panting, gasping, tripping, almost falling, you run with the sea breeze stinging your cheeks.  
  
You ignore Crabdad's screeches about where you've been. You skid to a stop next to Aradia, who's been toeing the waves. "Get back!" you shout to her, and then you bring your hands to your temples to better concentrate.  
  
Seagoatdad, sensing your intrusion, tries to fight you off and swim away. You wrap your psychic will around his and pull it taut. He brays, a mournful sound, all fear-guilt-panic negative emotions that make you sick to your digestive sac. But you win, as you always do, and you make Seagoatdad rise up - Aradia gasps - and crash onto the shore.  
  
Saltwater sprays over the lot of you. Seagoatdad is whimpering-sobbing-ashamed in your mind as you let go of him. He's too ashamed to try running away again; he settles for lowering his head and crying into the sand.  
  
"Oh my cod!" Feferi pushes her way to the front with Glb'golyb's bowl wrapped protectively in her arms. "Why is Seagoatdad crying?!"  
  
"KREEEEE!" Crabdad demands to know the same thing.  
  
"Uh, sorry," you say, "he just needs a moment, to collect himself. It was, um, a very emotional journey for him."  
  
Several of the lusii turn sympathetic glances his way, including both of Biclopsdad's heads. You can't remember ever seeing Biclopsdad's heads agree on anything, so you think this bodes well for Seagoatdad's romantic/friendship prospects. He needs to start building what the humans call a support network. Now is as good a time as any.  
  
Aradia tiptoes over to the lusus' giant head with her half plate of brownies. "Would you like some?" she asks. "Gamzee made these."  
  
 _My wiggler?_  
  
"Yeah," you say, "He made them for you."  
  
That's all the invitation he needs. Purple dismay fluids steadily leak out of Seagoatdad's eyes as he snaps up Aradia's half of the brownies. He looks so baleful that you quickly decaptchalogue your half and hand them over as well. One, two snaps and they're all gone.  
  
Your arsenal of hash brownies is depleted, but you can't find it in you to complain. You don't need a "secret weapon" when you've gotten the brownies to the person they were meant for. You didn't think you would actually complete that mission, but you have, and damn does it feel good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IDK if I'm happy with this chapter. Seagoatdad needed to come into the picture for another crack pairing I had planned, so... well, this happened. Sorry. We'll return to your regularly scheduled crack next time.


	6. Chapter 6

You're beginning to wonder where your sidekick has gone, but it doesn't seem as important as playing temporary auspice between Dragonmom and Pounce de Leon. Given how well their trolls got along, you thought they would take to each other right away. 

They did, but violently. Pounce made a snide comment about Dragonmom being a just-hatched grub, too young to participate at an adults-only gathering such as this. Dragonmom shouted something about how her laying date was her true birthdate so she was older than everyone here, and also Pounce was a jealous fur-bitch, scales all the way. They swiped at each other with their claws until you stepped in with a "SKREEEE!" and clamped one claw in each of your pincers.

With your grasping appendages literally full, you definitely do _not_ want to deal with Biclopsdad's neurotic dual-personalities, so _of course_ that's exactly what you have to deal with.

"Naaaaalx?" Red Half approaches you with a red rose in his hand. He wants you to be his moirail.

Before you can say anything, Blue Half headbutts Red Half. "Soltuuuuu!" He emphatically gestures with his blue rose that Aurthour would be a much better pale partner.

Pounce and Dragonmom have taken to sulking with their backs turned toward you, so you seize the opportunity to answer Biclopsdad. You tell him you're sorry, but you'd rather not enter into a moirallegiance with someone who's only half committed to the relationship, if even that. You're pretty sure Red Half - who's cool as a platonic friend - only thought to date you because your blood is red. Blue Half is a douche. You wouldn't get within five cholerbear dens of that wad of grub discharge.

Blue Half offers his rose to Aurthour, who similarly rejects the proposition. Having been turned down twice, Red Half turns to Blue Half and they have a conference.

_What about Gl'bgolyb?_

_What about Spidermom?_

Spidermom overhears and says, _Grooooooooss_.

Gl'bgolyb gives a noncommittal glub, the equivalent of a horrorterror shrug. Peixes-wiggler thankfully cannot understand what her lusus is shrugging about. (The young troll is busy feeding bits of lasagna to her lusus with an extremely miniaturized culling fork.)

It's as you feared. Biclopsdad doesn't have a single romantic bone in his body. He just wants to date people who are either reddish or bluish. Not for the first time, you wonder if the two halves of Biclopsdad could use an auspice themselves.

Well, maybe after they solve the moirail issue. Anyone reddish or bluish they argue about, but anyone who's neither they have no interest in. You think Pounce might make a good moirail (once she stops sulking), but if you were to bring this up with Biclopsdad, you're reasonably sure his heads would simultaneously say, "But she's _green_."

You wonder if he likes purple. Red Half was okay with tyrian; Blue Half seems to think that's a little too red. You look to Seahorsedad.

 _Fuck no_ , he says. _They both already tried giving me their roses and it pissed me off. I'm a sensitive romantic type! I'm not dating anyone who's only attracted to me based on color. Not even hemospectrum status, but just the color, can you imagine? Ugh!_

You sigh, letting go of Pounce and Dragonmom, who've ceased struggling and are looking sheepishly at each other. Whether they decide to apologize or have hate-makeouts is up to them. As long as they don't try to kill each other in public anymore, you've done your job.

You steel yourself to confront Biclopsdad once more. What would Cakedad do? He would give Biclopsdad a stern talking-to! You've learned a lot from Cakedad, including the powers of beginning your speech with "Listen here, young man," while wagging your pincer. It's time to put these powers to use.

Biclopsdad's heads are still arguing when you stomp over. _Listen here, young--_

"Get back!" you hear a voice shout from the shoreline.

Oh, your sidekick has returned. Finally! Where was he when you could've used his help subduing Pounce and Dragonmom?

Oh, it's Seagoatdad.

Oh, Biclopsdad is clutching both roses to his breast. He's grinning. Very dopey. Very much in love. 

You're not sure how you feel about this.

  


* * *

  


\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] at 2:44 --

TA: holy 2hiit ii'm 2o glad to 2ee you  
AA: Hi s0llux! 0u0  
TA: yeah ii'm two 2tunned riight now two comment about your dumb 2miiley wiith the proper amount of nece22ary 2nark  
TA: you wiill not beliieve what my dad ju2t told me  
TA: ii thiink ii need two jam about thii2  
AA: Whatever it is, I'm here f0r y0u.  
TA: thank2 aa  
AA: But if it's about your dad dating Gamzee's dad, I already kn0w!  
TA: no way  
AA: I was there when they h00ked up! S0 was Feferi, actually.  
TA: and you guy2 ju2t let thii2 happen? they've only been on one date and already that pandead dad of miine ii2 talkiing about human marryiing the 2eagoat of hii2 dream2  
TA: liike hell ii'm goiing to let them make gz my human 2tyle 2iibliing fuck that noii2e  
AA: S0rry, I wasn't thinking ab0ut h0w y0u w0uld react.   
AA: F0rgive me?  
AA: 0n0   
TA: don't make that face  
AA: 0n0  
AA: 0n0  
AA: 0n0  
TA: fuckiing 2iiiiiiiiiigh... iit'2 ok ii'll liive  
TA: <>  
AA: <>!   
AA: 0u0 

  


\--- 

  
\-- terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 4:20 --

TC: MoThErFuCkiNg BeSt FrIeNd! So MaNy MiRaClEs ArE hApPeNiNg...  
TC: So MaNy MiRaClEs...  
CG: WAIT, LET ME GUESS. THIS IS YET ANOTHER THING THAT I DON'T WANT TO KNOW, BUT THAT YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME ANYWAY.  
TC: My LuSuS cAmE hOmE aNd He'S sTaYinG fOr GoOd ThIs TiMe.  
CG: OKAY, I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT BUT IT WAS SOMETHING THAT I DEFINITELY WANTED TO KNOW. IF HE'S REALLY BACK THAT'S THE FIRST STEP TO REPAIRING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.  
TC: YeAh I kNoW iT aIn'T aLl uP tO bEiNg EaSy As PiE oR sWeEt As, BuT a BrOtHeR gOt To TaKe ThEM mIrAcLeS aS tHeY cOmE.  
CG: SO WHY THE SUDDEN CHANGE OF PUMPBISCUIT FROM YOUR LUSUS?  
TC: ThE oLd GoAt'S fAlLeN iN pItY, tHoUgHt He OuGhT tO uP aNd GeT hIs ReSpOnSiBiLiTy On BeFoRe He GoT tO gEtTiNg MaRrIeD.  
CG: YOU MEAN MARRIED LIKE HUMAN-MARRIED WITH THE MASHING TOGETHER OF TWO HIVEHOLDS RESULTING IN TWO CUSTODIANS AND COMBINED WIGGLERS.  
TC: YeAh!  
CG: IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE PALE OR FLUSHED?  
TC: DuNnO, mAn. MaYbE bOtH? lIKe A dOuBlE mIrAcLe...  
CG: I WOULD SAY THIS IS DEPRAVED, BUT FUCK IF I KNOW WHAT LUSII DO FOR ROMANCE. MY DAD HAS ALWAYS SEEMED TO LIKE THE QUADRANT SYSTEM.  
CG: HUMAN MARRIAGE IS A BIG DEAL THOUGH. IT'S GOING TO CHANGE YOUR WHOLE HIVE ARRANGEMENT. ALL THE FUCKING CHANGES, GAMZEE. THINK ABOUT IT AND SLAP SOME SENSE INTO YOUR LUSUS AFTER YOU SLAP HIM FOR ALL THE OTHER SHIT HE PUT YOU THROUGH.  
TC: RiGhT oN, kArBrO. tHiNgS jUsT gEtTiNg ThEiR cHaNgE oN lIkE wHo Up AnD tOlD tHeM tO dO tHaT?  
CG: HAVE I TOLD YOU RECENTLY HOW YOUR TYPING AND ATROCIOUS GRAMMAR MAKES MY EYES BLEED SO MUCH THEY FLOOD THEIR OWN SOCKETS. GET TO THE POINT. I KNOW YOU HAVE OTHER POINTS.  
TC: SoLbRo Is GeTtInG oN tO bEiNg My ReAl BrO.  
TC: HoNk hOnK :o)  
CG: WHAT.  
CG: NO.  
CG: OH GOD NO.  
CG: GAMZEE, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW FUCKING TERRIFIED I AM.  
CG: THAT IS A HORRIBLE IDEA. YOUR LUSUS IS AN IRRESPONSIBLE PUPA WHO NEEDS TO GROW THE FUCK UP BEFORE HE EVEN THINKS ABOUT ATTEMPTING ANYTHING REMOTELY RESEMBLING ADULT RESPONSIBILITY. I MEAN LOOK HOW BADLY HE FUCKED UP WITH YOU, AND NOW HE WANTS TO FUCK UP SOLLUX TOO?  
CG: I REPEAT: THIS IS A HORRIBLE FUCKING IDEA. YOU TWO BULGESORES BETTER CONVINCE THEM TO SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. WHIRLWIND RELATIONSHIPS LIKE THIS NEVER LAST. THERE WILL ONLY BE PAIN FOR ALL INVOLVED.  
TC: BuT sOlBrO's DaD wIlL bE mY dAd ToO. tHaT's MoRe ThAn I eVeR tHoUgHt I'd HaVe.  
CG: BICLOPSDAD IS LITERALLY PANDAMAGED!!!!! SOLLUX TAKES CARE OF HIS DAD MORE THAN THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
CG: SO HELP ME IF YOU THINK THAT CARING FOR A DISABLED LUSUS IS AN IMPROVEMENT, I WILL TAKE ALL THOSE SHOUT POLES AND RAM THEM DOWN YOUR FUCKING SQUAWK GAPER.  
TC: ChIlLaX, kArBrO. mE aNd SoLbRo WiLl WoRk ThInGs OuT.  
CG: YOU'D FUCKING BETTER. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO STICK MY SNIFFNODE INTO CUSTODIAN RELATIONSHIPS, BUT IF I FIND OUT WHOSE BRIGHT IDEA IT WAS TO HOOK THOSE WALKING DISASTERS TOGETHER, I WILL YELL UNTIL THEIR AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS MELT AND DRIBBLE OUT OF THEIR HEAD.  
CG: SAME GOES FOR ANYONE WHO ENABLED THEM IN ANY WAY.   
CG: ANY. WAY.   
TC: ShOoSh, MoThErFuCkEr, ShOoOoOoSh.  
CG: I DON'T NEED TO BE SHOOSHED. I AM THE VERY MODEL OF CALM AND CONTROLLED. FUCK ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE.  
TC: ShOoOoOoOsH.  
TC: ShOoOsH sHoOoOoOoOoOoSh  
CG: BLUH. I'M OKAY NOW. FOR REAL THIS TIME.  
TC: By ThE wAy, TaVbRo SaYs Hi. We'Re ChIlLiNg At My PlAcE tHiS cYcLe.  
CG: TELL HIM I SAID 'FUCK YOU'.  
TC: He SaYs YoU cAn'T tOuCh ThIs, ThIs BeInG hIm.  
TC: MaN, yOu MoThErFuCkErS aRe sO CuTe AlL fLiRtInG pItCh-LiKe.  
CG: APAOWAPOISDMVZL;NSHUAAEFWCNH  
CG: LOOK WHAT YOU FUCKING DID, GAMZEE. YOU MADE MY WRATHOMETER EXPLODE TO THE HIGH HEAVENS UNTIL THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO TO CONTAIN MY RAGE GLAND EXCRETIONS OTHER THAN TO KEYSMASH.  
CG: THERE IS NO FLIRTING GOING ON BETWEEN ME AND FUCKING PUPA PAN. MY HATRED IS SO PLATONIC THAT TROLL PLATO WOULD BE HOLDING IT UP AS HIS IDEAL.  
TC: HaHa, If YoU sAy So.  
TC: It'S sTiLl MoThErFuCkiNg AdOrAbLe.   
TC: ;o)  
CG: ADORABLOODTHIRSTY, GET IT STRAIGHT.  
CG: ALSO TELL THAT NOOKSNIFFER THAT MY PLATONIC REVENGE WILL BE SO SWIFT AND DEADLY THAT NOT ONLY WILL I BE ABLE TO 'TOUCH THIS', HE'LL NEVER SEE IT COMING.  
TC: :oO  
CG: TOUCH IT PLATONICALLY, LIKE ON THE SHOULDER.  
TC: If YoU sAy So.  
TC: BuT mAn, AiN't ThAt JuSt AnOtHeR mIrAcLe. My TwO mAiN mOtHeRfUcKeRs, TwO bEsT iNvErTeBrOtHeRs As EvEr ThErE wAs, GeTtInG aLoNg LiKe ThAt...  
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT UNIVERSE YOU LIVE IN WHERE WE CAN BE CONSTRUED AS 'GETTING ALONG'.  
TC: MaYbE mAkInG oUt A lItTlE...

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is offline --

TC: KaRbRo?


End file.
